Seven Reasons I Won’t Be Watching The Expendables

If box office results are to believed, I’m the only person in the world who hasn’t seen The Expendables yet.

And I have no plans to do so, either***. Why not? Read on below.

  1. No Laurence Tureaud. The first thing I notice when I look over the Expendables cast is the distinct lack of mowhawks and gold chains. Bringing in Tureaud (AKA Mr. T) gives you an instant boost in both categories. If I was casting a movie full of 80’s action movie stars, how could I pass on Mr. T? Not only was he B. A. Baracus, a member of the completely expendable A-Team, but he went toe-to-toe with old Sly in Rocky III. Plus, he had his own cartoon and “I pity the foo’ who don’t eat [his] breakfast cereal”.

    Mr. T as B.A. Baracus
    Image courtesy of Wikipedia
  2. No Kurt Russell. Sure, he started out as a teenage computer who played with chimpanzees at good old Medfield College. But, eventually he was able to escape from New York and LA. As a bonus, he’s able to tell if one of his teammates is actually a shape-shifting alien, in disguise. I give him extra points if he wears his eye patch.

    Escape from New York Movie Poster in Italian
    Image courtesy of bavatuesdays on flickr
  3. No Hulk Hogan.

    WrestleMania III Hulk Hogan vs Andre the Giant
    Image courtesy of Wikipedia
    I’m willing to overlook his previous questionable choice of roles (Muppets from Space—yikes!, Mr. Nanny—whoops!, etc.) because of just how incredible the Hulkster is. I mean, if you’re gonna cast a wrestler in a movie there’s only one real choice (not Dwayne Johnson). I’m talking about the dude who body slammed all 540+ lbs. of Andre the Giant.


    Plus, the Hulkster’s fu manchu style mustache is way more awesome than Stone Cold and his played–out goatee.

  4. No Mel Gibson. Some actors play crazy. Mel is crazy.
    Mel Gibson Mugshot
    Image courtesy of The Smoking Gun
    What Mr. Gibson may lack in sanity he makes up with acting chops. How many other action heroes have the skills to cry on queue?
  5. No Wesley Snipes. Right about now, Wes could really use some money and I’m not even sure he’s out of the clink yet. If The Expendables had come out earlier this summer it would have had to contend with blood-sucking teeny boppers in its quest for box office dominance. No one would have been better equipped to deal with this peril than the OG Vampire Slayer.

    twilight-ending-blade.jpeg
    Image courtesy of The Internet (I have no idea where this thing came from)
  6. No Pauly Shore. Is there an actor in all of Hollywood more expendable than “The Weasel”, himself? I thought not.
    Pauly Shore: In the Army Now
    Image courtesy of rewriter42 photobucket
    His purpose in the movie would be to try to prove that he could do anything all the big, tough guys can do. But, instead he’d accidentally lock himself in a bio-dome with Stephen Baldwin or Brendan Fraser which would blow up before the first scene was over.
  7. No Chuck Norris.
    He’s a living Kung Fu legend and whether he’s freeing POW’s or endorsing Republican Presidential candidates, evil-doers all the world over tremble at the mere thought of being on the receiving end of one of his epic roundhouse kicks to the throat.

    Action Jeans from Chuck Norris
    Image courtesy of locationscout on flickr
    Chuck is more than just an action movie legend. The man is a meme! His glaring absence from this movie is clearly an egregious omission and reason enough alone to boycott The Expendables.Google won't search for Chuck Norris
    Image courtesy of me

While I love the idea of pairing all these aging (or are they just aged?) action stars together, I can’t help thinking of who else I would have cast in addition to, or in place of who actually appears in the film.

Who would you have cast in the Expendables? Sound off in the comments below.

*** Disclaimer: I’ve made a personal principle to avoid R-Rated movies.

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3 thoughts on “Seven Reasons I Won’t Be Watching The Expendables

  1. Austin

    My two cents.

    Since I know nothing of the expendables, I may not be the best to judge, but if we’re just adding useless/ past their prime action stars, why not Dolph Lundgren? From terrorizing Rocky with “I must crush yoo” to being He-Man, you don’t get more Expendable than that!

    And Pauly Shore’s purpose isn’t to prove he can do whatever the big guys can do, it’s to show you how far you can go when you’re not funny but your parents own the Comedy Store.

  2. Austin

    And now that I’ve looked up the imdb page of it, I don’t know if I should feel foolish that Dolph actually IS in it, or if I should feel proud that I guessed right!

  3. Ammon Post author

    Next time, check IMDB before you post 😉

    But, I love your insight into the explanation of Pauly Shore’s “success”

Comments are closed.